I have a secret...

 The secret is I'm really not feeling Easter this year.  Technically last Easter was the first without Mom, but frankly I was still really processing her not being gone it didn't feel like it was.  We had spring break, and as usual I didn't get a thing I wanted to accomplish done.  I didn't do Easter Baskets this year, I didn't dye eggs.  I just didn't feel like it.  

I did however make little bags of candy for everyone. I sat at the kitchen table counting jelly beans, hershey kisses and hershey miniatures making sure everyone had even amounts.  Something Mom would have done for sure.

On Good Friday this year I actually participated in service.  But I sat there thinking to myself, Mom was here last Good Friday.  I remember last year one of the women from church gave me a huge hug comforting me, little did I know Mom had less than 12 hours of life left.  I wonder if she knew.  

So even though we've passed the 1st year it doesn't seem like it.  

I hope you all have a happy and blessed Easter, even if you don't feel like celebrating like I do.

1 year

525,600 minutes, 525000 moments so dear

525,600 minutes how do you measure, measure a year? 

In holidays, in family events, in sickness and car accidents. 

In birthdays, in vacations, in wondering why.   

In 525,600 minutes how do you celebrate after the end of a life?

Yes I just made up new lyrics to Seasons of Love from Rent.  I wanted to show that yes even though Mom isn't here the world still spins.  (Hamilton reference there)

I miss her every day.  I miss seeing her in the middle of the night when I had to get milk for Ana's low blood sugar.  I miss telling her I had to go to work and repeating at least 5 times when I got off work and if I planned to stop at Target after, because that would hinder me coming home on time.  

I miss commiserating about being a mom, and apologizing to her if I did half of what Ana that drives me crazy to her.  I miss her saying that silly things were poor excuses for whatever she was asking me. She would complain about so much and I even miss that.  Because even though at times she exasperated me, she was my number 1 fan.  

Before she died I was getting over Pneumonia.  I saw her March 12 and that was when I signed the orders for comfort care.  March 19th was the last day I saw Mom alive.  We had Pastor Kregg come and pray with her but the effects of morphine were starting.  She kept saying that someone was banging pots and pans around and that he had to go to the doctor.  I knew she was talking about Dad, because that was something he had done.  Then after Pastor left she kept saying that someone was in the bed with her.  I told her no, but if she wanted I would lay with her.  She said no with a laugh.  I told her that she could go and it was okay, and she was like where am I going?  She didn't understand I was giving her permission to leave us, even though I really didn't want to.  

Do I wish that was the last conversation I had with her?  No.  I wish I told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me.  How grateful I was she gave Alex and I a home when she didn't have to.  How she didn't get mad at me for getting pregnant just as I became unemployed.  How she after many years of not seeing eye to eye accepted Alex as if he was her own.  How she always made ever problem better. 

 I miss Mommy hugs, I miss her making us go out to Perkins after driving for hours because she wanted to eat in one of her favorite restaurants.  I miss her saying be careful and I love you when I left the house.  I miss her leaving a voicemail on my phone and hearing, "It's your pain in the ass mother." I miss hearing her count down the days to her Cape Cod trip and then calling me to complain about everything Dad did that annoyed her.

I wish alot of my friends got to know my mom, she was so private and always seemed like a grumpy lady, but she had the biggest heart.  I would give anything to have one more moment on earth to see her to hug her, to tell her how much I loved her even though I may not have acted like it.  

I'm sorry for all the times I disappointed you Mom, I wish I had done alot of things differently.  I'll be honest there some things I wish I hadn't listened to you about, but I made the best of it.  

I'll love you forever, your baby I'll be.  I've made it through the first 525,600 minutes without you.  Hoping it gets easier, but I'm thinking it might not....

Send some butterflies and cardinals our way this week to check in on us all.  I know we love seeing them.

Happy Birthday in Heaven Mommy

 

This is going to be a hard day.  I'm writing this a week out so that I can try to collect my thoughts in time for me to post this for what would have been my mom's 82nd birthday.

When I was a kid I thought I had the strictest mom.  She always needed to know where I was and who I was hanging out with.  She hated that kids "hung out" at the mall so I wasn't allowed to do that (though my best friend Beth and I always found ways around it).  I could only spend a half hour talking to friends on the phone, I always had to be in bed earlier than my other friends.  Why were other people's moms so much cooler than mine??

But then I grew up, and our relationship changed.  Mom was my biggest fan, when I decided to change majors a year and a half into what was supposed to be a 2 year degree at DCC, she was there.  When I thought I wasn't going to graduate, she was there.  When I was unemployed for months at a time she helped me out.

When I worked in Middletown and had a 45 minute commute and I closed, she made sure I called her so she would know I got home safe.  My work families became her families.  The lists go on and on.  Anastasia mentioned the other day that even though Mom hasn't been in our home for 10 months now she misses seeing her on the couch.  

Every time I had to get up when Ana's BG was low I'd walk to the kitchen and I'd hear "who's that?"  I'd respond "It's me mom." To which she'd ask "What's wrong?" Then I'd say "It's a low blood sugar give me a minute and I'll talk to you."  It's so bizarre to get up in the middle of the night and not have that type of conversation.

To quote my sister "I miss my mom."  I miss that unwavering support she gave.  I miss her telling me that things would be okay no matter how bad they seemed.  I miss having someone to vent to when I'm just ultra frustrated.  She was so much more than my mom and it's so hard to not have her with us anymore.  

A couple weeks ago Hallmark's Countdown to Christmas started.  When I got pregnant and was unemployed Mom and I would watch what few Hallmark Christmas movies were on.  Now there are hundreds.  I sat on the couch crying at the movies, not because of their sappy predictable heartfelt endings, but because I missed sharing it with Mom.

There are so many things in my life than Mom influenced that just aren't the same without her.  Over the summer I was asked to come back as an on call associate at Hallmark.  Without my mom becoming friendly with the GM (who is now the DM), I probably would have never thought to apply there.  It was hard to go back at first.  Hallmark was her favorite store in the area.  We have so many ornaments and I'm a self proclaimed Christmas geek, probably because of her.  But as I've been back 3 times now I find it healing.  I find items that we don't necessarily need, but Mom would approve of for the house and then get them.  

I'm sorry if this seems to rambling.  There are still so many things I feel I need to share about my mom.  Yes she could be a pain in the ass, but she was such a wonderful person and I wish everyone could know how blessed I was to have her as my mom.  

She supported so many people, not just Jenn, Alex, Ana and I.  She gave so much of herself to her friends, her former co workers, her church.  But let's face it she didn't take good care of herself because she was busy taking care of everyone else.  A habit that Jenn & I have a hard time breaking ourselves.

So Mom I pray you have a blessed birthday in heaven.  I know you're with Grandma and Grandpa.  Maybe you're enjoying chicken parmigiana (but let's face it you won't enjoy it as much as you enjoy Alex's), You're surely playing with all our dogs who crossed over the rainbow bridge already.  Maybe you're watching Hallmark movies, or just doing your word puzzles you loved so much.  I honestly hope you send a ton of female cardinals to visit us because then we know you're checking in making sure are okay.  We are okay, just sadder than normal.

Happy Birthday Mommy, I love you and I'll miss you forever.

When Grief Hits You

 Mom has been gone almost 4 months now.  I have my good days and bad days dealing with it.  I think I was better when I had full days of school to work.  The past 2 weekends have been rough emotionally.  

Last weekend was Hallmark's Ornament Premiere and I was asked if I would come back to work as an on call associate.  Being that it's always been one of my favorite times to be at Hallmark I jumped at the chance.  

The first day I was back was okay, but Sunday came and that's when my grief hit.  Alex had called me at the store to let me know what the plan for dinner was.  When I got off the phone I realized that for the first time in almost 12 years my mom didn't call me when I was at the store.  

To be honest I got annoyed that she would do it, at first it was to ask how to care for Ana, then as she got older it was "well when will you be home?"  And there was one Debut event where I had to drive home because somehow the dog got out.  

But in that moment I missed it.  In fact it was at that point that I remembered that in 2012 during Premiere I had asked the (then) manager for an application (in my sweats because it was an early morning event).  The girls at Hallmark have been so supportive the past 4 months.  Listening to me cry and vent during mom's illness and passing.  Sending me cards expressing sympathy and even helping me get through the 1st mother's day without her.

Later in the week I got to thinking last year at this time we were planning our trip to PA.  Mom always wanted to make sure we got where we were intending to go safely so when we would go, I'd have to call her.  During our PA trips she would get a little confused because we'd make multiple stops.  For example last year we went to Steamtown, followed by the hotel where we stayed and then Hersheypark.  

This year we're planning a couple short trips, but it won't be the same not being able to check in with her.  I will check in with Jenn but it won't be the same at all.

But anyways I just wanted to share how things have hit me this week, as I try to manage this thing called grief.

But Wait There's More....

 

Well when I blogged last month I was hoping that my gallbladder surgery would have been the last of the hits that 2024 was going to give to my family.  I was wrong.  This past weekend Anastasia wasn't feeling well.  I attributed it to the heatwave we had and the fact that we were outside for a good portion of the morning on Saturday.  I thought she was dehydrated, which with her diabetes is never a good thing.  Throughout the weekend she had good and bad moments.  When she really didn't improve by Monday I had told Alex to make a doctors appointment while I was at work.

Anastasia had a different idea, she told Alex that she needed to go to the hospital.  So he took her to the ER, turns out she had some sort of infection which caused her to go into DKA (Diabetic ketoacedosis).  We haven't seen her in DKA for 10 years (her initial T1D diagnosis).  Needless to say we were transported to Westchester Medical Center where we spent the next 2 days in PICU.  

She is tons better now, however now I'm back to being a hovering T1D mom (did you check your blood? did you correct your blood sugar?  Did you cover your snack?).  I'm so thankful for the pediatric ER that we have nearby, and for the nurses at WMC who got Ana back to health as quick as they could.  I'm also super grateful for the job I have, who even though I didn't want to allowed me to have the rest of the week off to take care of Ana and myself as well.  

I also had the weirdest, emotional and comforting dream while I was there.  Monday night during my broken sleep I had a dream that Mom was in the room, she was at the foot of Ana's hospital bed, her back toward her.  I started crying in my sleep and ended up waking myself up.  But I know without a doubt that she was watching over her.  

What's been going on

So it's been a while, almost 3 years honestly.  In that time Ana has been on a new medication for her crohn's which is actually working!  She lost her hair again (but not fully).  She joined a bunch of clubs at school and is just a couple days from moving up to Junior High.

2024 is a year I would love to forget.  My parents have been in and out of hospitals and rehabs.  I came down with Pneumonia in March.  The end of March sucked, my mom ended up passing away.  She was very sick and tired of feeling miserable.  

There are many things I wish I could have done differently preceding the passing of Mom, but I can't change it.

Saturday was the memorial for Mom and it was lovely.  Lots of friends and some family came to share time with us, but getting there well that was a trip in itself.

It started with me not feeling the greatest on Monday.  I woke up with bad vertigo which didn't go away until mid day.  Later on I had what I thought was gas.  This pain got worse as it came to Tuesday.

Tuesday evening I couldn't not sleep for the life of me, I kept crying God please just lessen the pain so I can rest.  I was convicned to go to urgent care.  They told me I needed to go to the ER.  So yes I drove myself there, and I was taken very quickly.

After lots of bloodwork, a chest x-ray and an ultrasound I had a visit from the surgical team at the hospital who told me it was my gallbladder.  

That put me into panic mode.  It was Wednesday, when would surgery be?  Would I be home in time for Mom's memorial?  I agreed to surgery, but the whole time I was worried.  

Originally surgery was supposed to be Thursday morning, then they said early afternoon, then they said Thursday evening.  I ended up being taken around 2:30 (after having a 2 hour potassium drip which was torture).

I think they started surgery around 4 ish, and then was wake by 8ish. 

I was still in alot of pain, but it was not the gas pain.  And I was super thankful that the headache I had all day Thursday from the lack of food and drink was finally gone.  

I rested and slept really well on Thursday night and then Friday morning despite me vomiting right before having breakfast I was told I was going home!  I rested alot on Friday and then ended up (to the surprise of many) at the memorial.

It's a week out from that ordeal and I can say I'm recovering well.  I got back to the surgeon's office tomorrow to hopefully have my drain taken out. 

I'm still tired and resting alot and the pain is lessening.  Hopefully this is the last medical crisis for a while.

A Bright Day for my Superhero.

 It's been a whirlwind of a few months.  Anastasia started her Remicade treatments at the end of March and it seemed to be working well, until we got to her dose that was 8 weeks apart. Then I noticed a regression.  

Guess what...according to her bloodwork she had no trace of the medication left.  So her next dose will be upped.  She is starting to lose her hair again.  Which means after 3 years we are going back to dermatology.  It was a fight to get an appointment but thanks to Dr. B they fit her in.

But this is going to be a happy post, Yesterday we all took a trip to the new Legoland theme park that just opened up in Goshen.  The best thing is that we totally surprised her!  

I had bought our tickets last month, got a bit of a discount thanks to Hallmark perks, but I didn't tell her at all.  The main reason is if I told her when we were going I would have heard her counting down or not sleeping until we went.

My plan to keep it a secret was simple.  I lied and told her we had a fun day planned with my friend Amanda and her son (sorry Amanda lol).  When we turned in she goes um...why are we turning into Legoland?  I was like oh we're at Legoland?  She says yes and Alex and I go, well we aren't meeting up with my friend we are going to Legoland!   

She was so happy!  We had a blast!

And yes it is a theme park so it is expensive but it honestly was worth it to have my daughter be able to be an excited kid for a day instead of having to worry about all the medical crap going on in her life. 

Tired of Waiting, but I will Wait Anyway

 3 weeks ago we got the bad news that Humira is not the answer to Anastasia's GI problems.  She is such a unique girl that her body is rejecting it.  So now we had to make the decision to start her on Remicade.  

The first step of this process was to see if she needed anymore bloodwork, she did.  So we took care of that on Monday.  Now we just wait to see if insurance will approve it.

Then more waiting.  Once we start treatment she will have a 2 hr infusion.  Then 2 weeks later another.  After that we wait 4 more weeks for another, then after that she ideally will have infusions every 8 weeks.  I pray it works.  I am tired of this issue.  I am tired of my child feeling so sick because her body is not right.

The only thing that makes me okay with starting this treatment is that Ana told Alex and I point blank (when asked) that she knew Humira wasn't making her better.

So now I ask anyone who reads this just say a prayer or send us positive thoughts, karma, or pixie dust (or whatever you believe in).

Ana has been through so much in her almost 9 years of life, I just want her to be well.

Candle Candle Burning Bright...

For those of you who read this and went to Wappingers  UMC you will remember this was one of the advent songs we sang during Pastor Dorsey's time with us.  It's now in my head the way Ana at 2 or 3 used to sing it.

Anyway yesterday started the season of Advent.  Every year I always look forward to this season of preparation especially the lighting of the Advent wreath.  Back when we used to go to the Presbyterian church I barely remember that the children of the church got to come forward as our pastor lit the candles.  When we started going to Wappinger UMC the candles were lit by different families during the season.  As the years progressed and our numbers dwindled it was the faithful remnant that lit the candles each week.

So imagine my surprise that in our new church home Jenn & I were asked to light the 1st candle.  I mean honestly our new church family I never imagined that they would have us new comers start off the season of advent.  But lo and behold we were asked and we did.  

There were some kinks, we didn't get the reading until about 15 minutes before our service started, and Anastasia couldn't decide whether or not she wanted to come up or not (she didn't but was a good girl alone in the pew), but all in all it was a nice experience.  And maybe now people will actually know my name instead of being called Jenn's sister or Anastasia's mom lol.

Am I doing too much or Not Enough?

 It's almost back to school time.  For 1 month we are officially doing remote learning.  Who knows what October will bring.  This district would like to phase the students back in for a hybrid model (2 days in school 3 remote learning).  I pray that this will happen.  Ana regressed socially during the end of the school year and unfortunately I did not catch it until she went to camp last month.

But anyway, our school supplies are purchased, we have a schedule for schooling and I have been on multiple school district online presentations for the  upcoming academic year.  I even took pretty detailed notes on the presentation this past week and shared them with our school PTA group.

But I worry, will I be enough this year?  Instead of being unemployed I'm working.  The first month I asked to close so that I can get Ana adjusted to remote learning.  I pray she succeeds, she is so very smart but so unmotivated.  The unknowns are scsry and I just wanted to vent, and since I haven't blogged in over a month I thought this was a good place to do just that...

A whirlwind of a weekend

It's been a crazy few days for me.  I started back to work a week ago Friday, helping get ornaments situated as we were planning on having a strange premiere event.  All that changed Wednesday That was when Gov. Cuomo announced that if proper hvac systems were in place malls could open.  I guess my mall did because next thing I know my boss is calling me and telling me we are opening Friday.  The next 48 hours my co-workers and I worked out butts off to ensure the store would be ready.

Cut to another busy day Saturday.  It was the long dreaded "celebration" of merger between UMC of Wappingers and Poughkeepsie UMC.  I put celebration in quotes because honestly I don't feel like I was celebrating it.  I am saddened that my childhood church is now closed and although we have a good pastor and welcoming congregation at Poughkeepsie it doesn't feel like home.  It's also hard to explain to Ana what happened and why we can't worship there anymore.  She is sad as it's the only church she has known.

Even today 2 days later she is still saying she is sad and it's not fair that the church had to close.  I hope it gets easier for her.  I hate that she is somsad about it.  I am however grateful for our new pastor Pastor Jody, who tried to make her feel welcome yesterday at service.  It's one thingnto make me feel welcome, it impresses me more when you do it for my child.

Anywhoo I'm hoping things slow a bit because after working 6 days straight (which I haven't done in 4 months) I am wiped!!!

(I Finally was in) The Room Where it Happens (Sorta)

For those of you who know me you will know that since 2016 I have been obsessed with Lin-Mnuel Miranda and Hamilton.  I got the cast album shortly after I saw the performance the cast did at the White House (it was lost when my car was totalled last year :( ) .  I have watched every behind the scenes clip I could and I was totally hyped for October 2021 when the filmed version was going to be released into theaters (I was even planning on going by myself lol)

So when Lin-Manuel Miranda announced he was releasing the filmed production early I was beyond excited!  July 3rd was now called Hamilton Day in my head.  The film was going to be released at 3 am (12 am PST).  I told myself I was not going to be up at that time (and tried not to be since I had to work that morning...my first official day back since March 16th).

Well my internal clock had other ideas.  At 3:06 I woke up.  And well I put my ear buds in and started.  If you've known me for a while you know that if I know a song I will absent-mindedly sing along.  Well I was kinda doing it, but silently.  I got through Act 1 and then went back to bed.  As much as I wanted to continue I knew I couldn't.

My initial take aways...

Amazing, the cast was wonderful in their roles.  I love people who use their face to express themselves.  I laughed so much at the King George bits.  Jonathan Groff's facial expressions are EVERYTHING!!!

Leslie Odom Jr. is amazing!  One of my favorite songs is Wait For It, his voice was perfect in that song.

The things that were hidden from the cast album were great.  Spoiler alert-you hear about John Laurens death at the end of Dear Theodosia-something that is not revealed when you hear the music.

Act 2 (watched later Friday Night) left me a blubbering mess.  From Phillipa Soo' heartwrenching song Burn, to watching Renee Elise Goldsberry become an alternate narrator in It's Quiet Uptown (a song I tend to quote when someone has passed on), to the very end when Eliza says how she has carried on the legacy of her husband and those important to him.

It was amazing and yes its the BEST seat in the house.  I am so glad I have Disney+ just so I can watch it over and over again!

My Chorus Family

During this time of anxiety and not knowing what comes next I have a source of consistency.  It is my chorus life.  Though our rehearsals are quite different than they were in February, our weekly Zoom meetings provide me with some sense of normalcy in this crazy time.

I found Evergreen in the spring of 2003 through a church choir member. I was not married, in fact I had only been dating my now husband for 6 months.  It was the first time that I was recognized for singing away from my sister.  I was hooked!  I did a singing lesson program in May and June, and in July I auditioned and passed.

Over the years the women in my chorus became extended family.  A chorus quartet provides music for my wedding in 2007, in 2012 before Ana was born many members visited me in the hospital.  They were very worried that I overdid it the week prior at Regional contest.  Through Ana's various health crisis' they were there for me.  They provided support via emails, facebook mesaages etc.  

My chorus is a way for me to get away and express myself in song and not worry about what's going on in the world around me.  

I got to experience going to International Competition with them in 2017 in Las Vegas, webplaced 3rd  out of 5 small choruses. Outside of my wedding day and the birth of Anastasia it was one of the most memorable experiences of my life.  One that I will hold dear to me for the rest of my life.  

They are the family I didn't know I needed, until all the bad stuff happened.  They have been there through it all good and bad.  I am forever thankful for Karen the choir member who introduced me to them.

Now here's my plug, if you sing and want to see what we are all about our website is http://www.evergreenchorus.org.  Please check us out and if you feel led join us for a rehearsal (when we start having them live again).  We love new faces!

You've got to accentuate the Positive

I've been out of work for almost 2 months.  I haven't been out of work that long in over 8 years.  Surprisingly I didn't struggle to collect unemployment like others have.  My application was processed quickly and I started receiving it the day after I certified. 

Ana's schooling is going ok for the most part, I try to have her start around 10 and reward her when all her assigned work is done.  She usually has a couple videos of teacher instruction to watch and then worksheets depending on the lesson.  She has done quite well on her math assessments which is an improvement from how she performs in school.

I started a new hobby, diamond painting.  It's a bit mindless but I am enjoying it. 

The positive part in all this is spending alot of time with my family.  I have been able to enjoy my daughter.  More than I have since she was born.  We have fun together and she is constantly thanking me for helping her ensure her work is done. 

So is this a bad situation, yes but am I making the best of it yes.  What choice do I have?

To Anastasia on your 8th Birthday

Dear Anastasia,

  Well you are now 8.  This past year has been slightly better than the last.  You have a new insulin pump which you like to use, you are finally on medication that helps, but everytime you are doing well, you get sick and that means drugs that cause you to have setbacks.

2nd grade has been a slight challenge, however you are getting help in reading (which you needed).  You were diagnosed with a lazy eye and now use glasses...when you want to wear them.

However this birthday will be a bit subdued.   Instead of celebrating at the Palisades mall, we must stay at home due to the mall being closed.  Coronavirus or Covid-19 has really thrown us for a loop.

We are doing online schooling for who knows how long.  And for now I am home with you.  I was afraid you wouldn't have much in the way of presents this year, but people who love and care about you have shown just how much.  For that I will be so grateful.  So Happy Birthday my spunky little girl.  You are growing so quickly, I wish you would stop!!!

By the way, as always you love your chicken, fries and white dip from McDonald's.   You are finally starting to try some fruits you don't like many, but hey it's a start.

I love you to the moon and back!!

Mama

The New Norm

Well I haven't been to work for a week now.  It's very weird.  I was scheduled off last Tuesday, with the shift cuts I ended up not having to work last Wednesday.  By that time Hallmark made the decision to close until April 1.  So yeah it's been like an unexpected paid vacation, with the exception that I have to attempt to get Ana to do some school work.

Today I came to the realization that I am literally going to have her do some writing, a page of her math that was sent home and 30 minutes of reading.  If I do this the work that was sent home will be completed by the time she is expected to go back (at this point). 

Everyday I go out to Myers Corners school to get her lunch (since she is on the free school lunch plan).  If I need something from the store I head out then and then go back home. 

This week Jenn is working from home, another thing to adjust to as Sparkle wants to be with her all the time and doesn't understand that she has to work.

Jenn and my new norm is watching a live stream of Poughkeepsie UMC's service.  Last week I missed a portion of the live stream, this week I got up in enough time to see the whole thing.  I showed Anastasia the children's message and explained that it was like what Pastor Dorsey used to do.  She seemed interested and can't wait to go to church again, oh and she thinks our new pastor Pastor Jody is pretty silly. 

So that's our new norm.  Tomorrow since it's supposed to be nice out I am going to write an inspirational message at the end of our driveway for everyone walking by.  I'll have Ana draw pictures.  That's will be our arts and crafts time :)

Keep your chin up everyone.  A Song to keep your spirits up  (listen to the lyrics the visual is probably not the best for this time but I love this song).

The Craziness that is the Coronavirus

So it's Tuesday night and I am sitting at home watching Wheel of Fortune instead of standing on risers with my Evergreen Family.  The day to day has changed dramatically in the past 6 days.  Starting Thursday things just went from eek to holy S&×#! 

Thursday started like any other day I went to work, and as its been for the past couple weeks it was slow.  Days that we generally make $1,000 we've made maybe 750 at most.  Then I get an email from Sweet Adelines International, all regional competitions are cancelled for 2020.  Then another email from the Bishop of our church conference, no services for 2 weeks.  Our church merger service cancelled.  At least 2 weeks of chorus rehearsals cancelled.  Just insane.

That evening I drove my parents and Anastasia to dinner at Perkins, ended up trying to find lysol wipes at the dollar store with no luck.  Then we went to BJs, and that was insane.  The line started in the back of the store and snaked around the left side. I waited for an hour to pay for 2 gallons of milk.

Friday came and I found out one of my co workers almost got sprayed with Lysol.  All because she asked if the customer needed help.  Then right after 3 the announcement came that schools were going to be closed for 2 weeks.  Panic just seems to set in with my customers with kids, many wondering how they are going to deal for 2 weeks.

Saturday I was off, so I don't know how crazy the outside world really was.  We went to a friends to celebrate their child's birthday (very small gathering).  Sunday I live streamed church, very odd.

Then Monday came.  Lots of stores in the mall either closed or reduced hours.  Lots of questions being asked that we don't have answers to.  Reduced hours for my staff and I, and questions as to how I'm going to pay my bills. 

Concerns about how kids will be able to learn if its online learning, how the ones that rely on school lunches will eat.  Confusion, alot of confusion.

Things are constantly changing.  Who knows if tomorrow the Governor or County executive will force the mall to close or what.  But whatever happens I know I am safe and that I will get through it.

BJs Monday evening

Triggers

  I used to think I was immune to be triggered by anything, but that is no longer the case.  Certain events in my life have caused things to trigger me.  I can't watch the episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 when Andrea gives birth to her daughter Hannah because I've been through premature birth.  There's a certain Signed Sealed Delivered movie on Hallmark I can't watch because it deals with HELLP syndrome and the gravity it could cause.

  But this week I was triggered by something Ana is going through at school and it has sent me back over 20 years.  All school year Ana has dealt with 2 girls in her class who were her very good friends being mean to her.  Until yesterday I hesitated to call it bullying but frankly it is. 

  During gym yesterday Ana let me know that one of the girls said she was a loser.  I assured her she wasn't.  Looking at her face and seeing little tears roll down her cheeks has broken my heart and as a parent it is very hard for me to see her go through this so young.

  After she went to bed I emailed her teacher and explained while it could have been a case of she said she said I didn't believe it would be so.  I really don't believe Ana would make up someone calling her a loser, because quite frankly we don't talk like that at home. 

  When I went to bed my mind started racing and I thought of all the times I had been bullied.  I've been pushed down stairs into a group of people, I've had someone kick my butt really hard while I was at my locker.  There were times I had to avoid bringing my flute to classes because one girl in particular (even though she was also in band) would find it funny to take my flute out of my desk.  The kicker was Senior year in high school when I had to have a friend drive me home because all the freshman on my bus route got their kicks out of making fun of me because I didn't drive, and because I didn't have a boyfriend.  It was never the ride to school, always home.

  Yes I got through it without anyone interceding on my behalf, but it has affected me. It probably sucks even more because I tend to remember many things.  I can tell you names of almost everyone involved in these instances, with the exception of the kid who kicked me in the butt because I don't remember even really knowing him!

  So today I am a worry wart, hoping I did the right thing by telling the teacher, and not making things worse for Ana.  I can't get her sad face out of my head wondering what she did wrong to make 2 girls who loved to play with her last year to turn against her. 

  I know she is better off without them, but try explaining that to a 7 year old who just doesn't understand what she did to deserve this......

To Anastasia on her 7th Birthday

Dear Anastasia,

    It's been another year, slightly less eventful than the last.  You are in first grade now and are learning so much.  For the most part you are well behaved in the classroom, but you do have your bad days.  You started growth hormones last April and have shot up at least 4 inches!  Mommy is still fighting to get you the medication you need to treat your colitis, it's not been easy but she won't give up until you are feeling better.  

  Our dog Harmi went to Heaven to keep Mr. Robert company but Grammy adopted a puppy she named Sparkle.  She gives us all a run for our money, especially when you leave your stuffed animals on the floor for her to grab.

  I am not sure who your best friend is right now, because the girls in school seem to be mean to you off and on.  I hope that stops soon.  I hate for you to feel like girls who were your friends don't like you anymore.

  You still love your chicken, fries and white dip, but you are becoming more adventurous in what you eat!  You love Daddy's pork chops and have even enjoyed steak!!

You have such a personality and you give all of us a run for our money as well (right there with Sparkle).  We love you and I love watching you grow into the smart, funny little girl you are.

So on your 7th Birthday I wish you another year of love and (hopefully) health!

I love you my baby girl,

Mommy

Diabetics at birthday parties

(disclaimer) I am writing this post in the hopes to get awareness out, this is not intended to piss anyone off, nor upset anyone.  It is my opinion and unfortunately I have to live through daily.  

Anastasia has been invited to exactly 1 of her classmates birthday parties since starting Kindergarten last school year.  (This does NOT include the family friends parties that we have been to since her diagnosis because they are not in her school).

That's right 1, the invite for that one came 4 days before the party, via text during my chorus rehearsal.  Alex and I both had to work so I had to decline.  It got me thinking, wow, either Ana's classmates aren't having parties (which honestly I wouldn't know because they are not allowed to give out invites in class), or the parents just are unsure what to do because one of the classmates is diabetic.

I personally have not had an official birthday party for Ana since she turned 1 (I had an unofficial one when she turned 3 and that was pretty much an informal play date that I brought a ton of snacks and cupcakes to).  We generally cannot afford one so for us her birthday is when we just spend time with her and do (and eat things) what she wants.

So to those people who are wondering what it would be like inviting a diabetic to a birthday party, this is how it goes.

(I will use the example of the last party we went to for our friend's daughter at Chuck E Cheese)

We get to the party-we don't leave her there to figure out things on her own.(even if it was a place where we could I still would make sure someone who knew how to take care of her would stay).

We gathered and got our little token card and went on our way playing games.  When it was time to eat pizza we (or she) tests her and figures out if she needs a correction or can just eat.  When she's done eating she gets her insulin for her food.  She goes and plays some more.  It's cake time...another finger prick, another correction and she eats some more (or doesn't in this case).

She plays until its time to go home.

I would NEVER expect another parent to have to take care of my child's illness especially when it is so overwhelming.  I would always ensure that myself, Alex, or even Aunt Jenn could be there to care for her.  All I ask in return is that if something is packaged, save the nutritional info so I can make an informed decision on how much insulin I need to cover what she ate.

I truly hope that the kids in her class haven't had parties but in the back of my mind I am always thinking well she's probably not being invited because of the fear of diabetes.