This is going to be a hard day. I'm writing this a week out so that I can try to collect my thoughts in time for me to post this for what would have been my mom's 82nd birthday.
When I was a kid I thought I had the strictest mom. She always needed to know where I was and who I was hanging out with. She hated that kids "hung out" at the mall so I wasn't allowed to do that (though my best friend Beth and I always found ways around it). I could only spend a half hour talking to friends on the phone, I always had to be in bed earlier than my other friends. Why were other people's moms so much cooler than mine??
But then I grew up, and our relationship changed. Mom was my biggest fan, when I decided to change majors a year and a half into what was supposed to be a 2 year degree at DCC, she was there. When I thought I wasn't going to graduate, she was there. When I was unemployed for months at a time she helped me out.
When I worked in Middletown and had a 45 minute commute and I closed, she made sure I called her so she would know I got home safe. My work families became her families. The lists go on and on. Anastasia mentioned the other day that even though Mom hasn't been in our home for 10 months now she misses seeing her on the couch.
Every time I had to get up when Ana's BG was low I'd walk to the kitchen and I'd hear "who's that?" I'd respond "It's me mom." To which she'd ask "What's wrong?" Then I'd say "It's a low blood sugar give me a minute and I'll talk to you." It's so bizarre to get up in the middle of the night and not have that type of conversation.
To quote my sister "I miss my mom." I miss that unwavering support she gave. I miss her telling me that things would be okay no matter how bad they seemed. I miss having someone to vent to when I'm just ultra frustrated. She was so much more than my mom and it's so hard to not have her with us anymore.
A couple weeks ago Hallmark's Countdown to Christmas started. When I got pregnant and was unemployed Mom and I would watch what few Hallmark Christmas movies were on. Now there are hundreds. I sat on the couch crying at the movies, not because of their sappy predictable heartfelt endings, but because I missed sharing it with Mom.
There are so many things in my life than Mom influenced that just aren't the same without her. Over the summer I was asked to come back as an on call associate at Hallmark. Without my mom becoming friendly with the GM (who is now the DM), I probably would have never thought to apply there. It was hard to go back at first. Hallmark was her favorite store in the area. We have so many ornaments and I'm a self proclaimed Christmas geek, probably because of her. But as I've been back 3 times now I find it healing. I find items that we don't necessarily need, but Mom would approve of for the house and then get them.
I'm sorry if this seems to rambling. There are still so many things I feel I need to share about my mom. Yes she could be a pain in the ass, but she was such a wonderful person and I wish everyone could know how blessed I was to have her as my mom.
She supported so many people, not just Jenn, Alex, Ana and I. She gave so much of herself to her friends, her former co workers, her church. But let's face it she didn't take good care of herself because she was busy taking care of everyone else. A habit that Jenn & I have a hard time breaking ourselves.
So Mom I pray you have a blessed birthday in heaven. I know you're with Grandma and Grandpa. Maybe you're enjoying chicken parmigiana (but let's face it you won't enjoy it as much as you enjoy Alex's), You're surely playing with all our dogs who crossed over the rainbow bridge already. Maybe you're watching Hallmark movies, or just doing your word puzzles you loved so much. I honestly hope you send a ton of female cardinals to visit us because then we know you're checking in making sure are okay. We are okay, just sadder than normal.
Happy Birthday Mommy, I love you and I'll miss you forever.
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