When Grief Hits You

 Mom has been gone almost 4 months now.  I have my good days and bad days dealing with it.  I think I was better when I had full days of school to work.  The past 2 weekends have been rough emotionally.  

Last weekend was Hallmark's Ornament Premiere and I was asked if I would come back to work as an on call associate.  Being that it's always been one of my favorite times to be at Hallmark I jumped at the chance.  

The first day I was back was okay, but Sunday came and that's when my grief hit.  Alex had called me at the store to let me know what the plan for dinner was.  When I got off the phone I realized that for the first time in almost 12 years my mom didn't call me when I was at the store.  

To be honest I got annoyed that she would do it, at first it was to ask how to care for Ana, then as she got older it was "well when will you be home?"  And there was one Debut event where I had to drive home because somehow the dog got out.  

But in that moment I missed it.  In fact it was at that point that I remembered that in 2012 during Premiere I had asked the (then) manager for an application (in my sweats because it was an early morning event).  The girls at Hallmark have been so supportive the past 4 months.  Listening to me cry and vent during mom's illness and passing.  Sending me cards expressing sympathy and even helping me get through the 1st mother's day without her.

Later in the week I got to thinking last year at this time we were planning our trip to PA.  Mom always wanted to make sure we got where we were intending to go safely so when we would go, I'd have to call her.  During our PA trips she would get a little confused because we'd make multiple stops.  For example last year we went to Steamtown, followed by the hotel where we stayed and then Hersheypark.  

This year we're planning a couple short trips, but it won't be the same not being able to check in with her.  I will check in with Jenn but it won't be the same at all.

But anyways I just wanted to share how things have hit me this week, as I try to manage this thing called grief.