When Grief Hits You

 Mom has been gone almost 4 months now.  I have my good days and bad days dealing with it.  I think I was better when I had full days of school to work.  The past 2 weekends have been rough emotionally.  

Last weekend was Hallmark's Ornament Premiere and I was asked if I would come back to work as an on call associate.  Being that it's always been one of my favorite times to be at Hallmark I jumped at the chance.  

The first day I was back was okay, but Sunday came and that's when my grief hit.  Alex had called me at the store to let me know what the plan for dinner was.  When I got off the phone I realized that for the first time in almost 12 years my mom didn't call me when I was at the store.  

To be honest I got annoyed that she would do it, at first it was to ask how to care for Ana, then as she got older it was "well when will you be home?"  And there was one Debut event where I had to drive home because somehow the dog got out.  

But in that moment I missed it.  In fact it was at that point that I remembered that in 2012 during Premiere I had asked the (then) manager for an application (in my sweats because it was an early morning event).  The girls at Hallmark have been so supportive the past 4 months.  Listening to me cry and vent during mom's illness and passing.  Sending me cards expressing sympathy and even helping me get through the 1st mother's day without her.

Later in the week I got to thinking last year at this time we were planning our trip to PA.  Mom always wanted to make sure we got where we were intending to go safely so when we would go, I'd have to call her.  During our PA trips she would get a little confused because we'd make multiple stops.  For example last year we went to Steamtown, followed by the hotel where we stayed and then Hersheypark.  

This year we're planning a couple short trips, but it won't be the same not being able to check in with her.  I will check in with Jenn but it won't be the same at all.

But anyways I just wanted to share how things have hit me this week, as I try to manage this thing called grief.

But Wait There's More....

 

Well when I blogged last month I was hoping that my gallbladder surgery would have been the last of the hits that 2024 was going to give to my family.  I was wrong.  This past weekend Anastasia wasn't feeling well.  I attributed it to the heatwave we had and the fact that we were outside for a good portion of the morning on Saturday.  I thought she was dehydrated, which with her diabetes is never a good thing.  Throughout the weekend she had good and bad moments.  When she really didn't improve by Monday I had told Alex to make a doctors appointment while I was at work.

Anastasia had a different idea, she told Alex that she needed to go to the hospital.  So he took her to the ER, turns out she had some sort of infection which caused her to go into DKA (Diabetic ketoacedosis).  We haven't seen her in DKA for 10 years (her initial T1D diagnosis).  Needless to say we were transported to Westchester Medical Center where we spent the next 2 days in PICU.  

She is tons better now, however now I'm back to being a hovering T1D mom (did you check your blood? did you correct your blood sugar?  Did you cover your snack?).  I'm so thankful for the pediatric ER that we have nearby, and for the nurses at WMC who got Ana back to health as quick as they could.  I'm also super grateful for the job I have, who even though I didn't want to allowed me to have the rest of the week off to take care of Ana and myself as well.  

I also had the weirdest, emotional and comforting dream while I was there.  Monday night during my broken sleep I had a dream that Mom was in the room, she was at the foot of Ana's hospital bed, her back toward her.  I started crying in my sleep and ended up waking myself up.  But I know without a doubt that she was watching over her.  

What's been going on

So it's been a while, almost 3 years honestly.  In that time Ana has been on a new medication for her crohn's which is actually working!  She lost her hair again (but not fully).  She joined a bunch of clubs at school and is just a couple days from moving up to Junior High.

2024 is a year I would love to forget.  My parents have been in and out of hospitals and rehabs.  I came down with Pneumonia in March.  The end of March sucked, my mom ended up passing away.  She was very sick and tired of feeling miserable.  

There are many things I wish I could have done differently preceding the passing of Mom, but I can't change it.

Saturday was the memorial for Mom and it was lovely.  Lots of friends and some family came to share time with us, but getting there well that was a trip in itself.

It started with me not feeling the greatest on Monday.  I woke up with bad vertigo which didn't go away until mid day.  Later on I had what I thought was gas.  This pain got worse as it came to Tuesday.

Tuesday evening I couldn't not sleep for the life of me, I kept crying God please just lessen the pain so I can rest.  I was convicned to go to urgent care.  They told me I needed to go to the ER.  So yes I drove myself there, and I was taken very quickly.

After lots of bloodwork, a chest x-ray and an ultrasound I had a visit from the surgical team at the hospital who told me it was my gallbladder.  

That put me into panic mode.  It was Wednesday, when would surgery be?  Would I be home in time for Mom's memorial?  I agreed to surgery, but the whole time I was worried.  

Originally surgery was supposed to be Thursday morning, then they said early afternoon, then they said Thursday evening.  I ended up being taken around 2:30 (after having a 2 hour potassium drip which was torture).

I think they started surgery around 4 ish, and then was wake by 8ish. 

I was still in alot of pain, but it was not the gas pain.  And I was super thankful that the headache I had all day Thursday from the lack of food and drink was finally gone.  

I rested and slept really well on Thursday night and then Friday morning despite me vomiting right before having breakfast I was told I was going home!  I rested alot on Friday and then ended up (to the surprise of many) at the memorial.

It's a week out from that ordeal and I can say I'm recovering well.  I got back to the surgeon's office tomorrow to hopefully have my drain taken out. 

I'm still tired and resting alot and the pain is lessening.  Hopefully this is the last medical crisis for a while.

A Bright Day for my Superhero.

 It's been a whirlwind of a few months.  Anastasia started her Remicade treatments at the end of March and it seemed to be working well, until we got to her dose that was 8 weeks apart. Then I noticed a regression.  

Guess what...according to her bloodwork she had no trace of the medication left.  So her next dose will be upped.  She is starting to lose her hair again.  Which means after 3 years we are going back to dermatology.  It was a fight to get an appointment but thanks to Dr. B they fit her in.

But this is going to be a happy post, Yesterday we all took a trip to the new Legoland theme park that just opened up in Goshen.  The best thing is that we totally surprised her!  

I had bought our tickets last month, got a bit of a discount thanks to Hallmark perks, but I didn't tell her at all.  The main reason is if I told her when we were going I would have heard her counting down or not sleeping until we went.

My plan to keep it a secret was simple.  I lied and told her we had a fun day planned with my friend Amanda and her son (sorry Amanda lol).  When we turned in she goes um...why are we turning into Legoland?  I was like oh we're at Legoland?  She says yes and Alex and I go, well we aren't meeting up with my friend we are going to Legoland!   

She was so happy!  We had a blast!

And yes it is a theme park so it is expensive but it honestly was worth it to have my daughter be able to be an excited kid for a day instead of having to worry about all the medical crap going on in her life. 

Tired of Waiting, but I will Wait Anyway

 3 weeks ago we got the bad news that Humira is not the answer to Anastasia's GI problems.  She is such a unique girl that her body is rejecting it.  So now we had to make the decision to start her on Remicade.  

The first step of this process was to see if she needed anymore bloodwork, she did.  So we took care of that on Monday.  Now we just wait to see if insurance will approve it.

Then more waiting.  Once we start treatment she will have a 2 hr infusion.  Then 2 weeks later another.  After that we wait 4 more weeks for another, then after that she ideally will have infusions every 8 weeks.  I pray it works.  I am tired of this issue.  I am tired of my child feeling so sick because her body is not right.

The only thing that makes me okay with starting this treatment is that Ana told Alex and I point blank (when asked) that she knew Humira wasn't making her better.

So now I ask anyone who reads this just say a prayer or send us positive thoughts, karma, or pixie dust (or whatever you believe in).

Ana has been through so much in her almost 9 years of life, I just want her to be well.

Candle Candle Burning Bright...

For those of you who read this and went to Wappingers  UMC you will remember this was one of the advent songs we sang during Pastor Dorsey's time with us.  It's now in my head the way Ana at 2 or 3 used to sing it.

Anyway yesterday started the season of Advent.  Every year I always look forward to this season of preparation especially the lighting of the Advent wreath.  Back when we used to go to the Presbyterian church I barely remember that the children of the church got to come forward as our pastor lit the candles.  When we started going to Wappinger UMC the candles were lit by different families during the season.  As the years progressed and our numbers dwindled it was the faithful remnant that lit the candles each week.

So imagine my surprise that in our new church home Jenn & I were asked to light the 1st candle.  I mean honestly our new church family I never imagined that they would have us new comers start off the season of advent.  But lo and behold we were asked and we did.  

There were some kinks, we didn't get the reading until about 15 minutes before our service started, and Anastasia couldn't decide whether or not she wanted to come up or not (she didn't but was a good girl alone in the pew), but all in all it was a nice experience.  And maybe now people will actually know my name instead of being called Jenn's sister or Anastasia's mom lol.

Am I doing too much or Not Enough?

 It's almost back to school time.  For 1 month we are officially doing remote learning.  Who knows what October will bring.  This district would like to phase the students back in for a hybrid model (2 days in school 3 remote learning).  I pray that this will happen.  Ana regressed socially during the end of the school year and unfortunately I did not catch it until she went to camp last month.

But anyway, our school supplies are purchased, we have a schedule for schooling and I have been on multiple school district online presentations for the  upcoming academic year.  I even took pretty detailed notes on the presentation this past week and shared them with our school PTA group.

But I worry, will I be enough this year?  Instead of being unemployed I'm working.  The first month I asked to close so that I can get Ana adjusted to remote learning.  I pray she succeeds, she is so very smart but so unmotivated.  The unknowns are scsry and I just wanted to vent, and since I haven't blogged in over a month I thought this was a good place to do just that...