I have a secret...

 The secret is I'm really not feeling Easter this year.  Technically last Easter was the first without Mom, but frankly I was still really processing her not being gone it didn't feel like it was.  We had spring break, and as usual I didn't get a thing I wanted to accomplish done.  I didn't do Easter Baskets this year, I didn't dye eggs.  I just didn't feel like it.  

I did however make little bags of candy for everyone. I sat at the kitchen table counting jelly beans, hershey kisses and hershey miniatures making sure everyone had even amounts.  Something Mom would have done for sure.

On Good Friday this year I actually participated in service.  But I sat there thinking to myself, Mom was here last Good Friday.  I remember last year one of the women from church gave me a huge hug comforting me, little did I know Mom had less than 12 hours of life left.  I wonder if she knew.  

So even though we've passed the 1st year it doesn't seem like it.  

I hope you all have a happy and blessed Easter, even if you don't feel like celebrating like I do.

1 year

525,600 minutes, 525000 moments so dear

525,600 minutes how do you measure, measure a year? 

In holidays, in family events, in sickness and car accidents. 

In birthdays, in vacations, in wondering why.   

In 525,600 minutes how do you celebrate after the end of a life?

Yes I just made up new lyrics to Seasons of Love from Rent.  I wanted to show that yes even though Mom isn't here the world still spins.  (Hamilton reference there)

I miss her every day.  I miss seeing her in the middle of the night when I had to get milk for Ana's low blood sugar.  I miss telling her I had to go to work and repeating at least 5 times when I got off work and if I planned to stop at Target after, because that would hinder me coming home on time.  

I miss commiserating about being a mom, and apologizing to her if I did half of what Ana that drives me crazy to her.  I miss her saying that silly things were poor excuses for whatever she was asking me. She would complain about so much and I even miss that.  Because even though at times she exasperated me, she was my number 1 fan.  

Before she died I was getting over Pneumonia.  I saw her March 12 and that was when I signed the orders for comfort care.  March 19th was the last day I saw Mom alive.  We had Pastor Kregg come and pray with her but the effects of morphine were starting.  She kept saying that someone was banging pots and pans around and that he had to go to the doctor.  I knew she was talking about Dad, because that was something he had done.  Then after Pastor left she kept saying that someone was in the bed with her.  I told her no, but if she wanted I would lay with her.  She said no with a laugh.  I told her that she could go and it was okay, and she was like where am I going?  She didn't understand I was giving her permission to leave us, even though I really didn't want to.  

Do I wish that was the last conversation I had with her?  No.  I wish I told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me.  How grateful I was she gave Alex and I a home when she didn't have to.  How she didn't get mad at me for getting pregnant just as I became unemployed.  How she after many years of not seeing eye to eye accepted Alex as if he was her own.  How she always made ever problem better. 

 I miss Mommy hugs, I miss her making us go out to Perkins after driving for hours because she wanted to eat in one of her favorite restaurants.  I miss her saying be careful and I love you when I left the house.  I miss her leaving a voicemail on my phone and hearing, "It's your pain in the ass mother." I miss hearing her count down the days to her Cape Cod trip and then calling me to complain about everything Dad did that annoyed her.

I wish alot of my friends got to know my mom, she was so private and always seemed like a grumpy lady, but she had the biggest heart.  I would give anything to have one more moment on earth to see her to hug her, to tell her how much I loved her even though I may not have acted like it.  

I'm sorry for all the times I disappointed you Mom, I wish I had done alot of things differently.  I'll be honest there some things I wish I hadn't listened to you about, but I made the best of it.  

I'll love you forever, your baby I'll be.  I've made it through the first 525,600 minutes without you.  Hoping it gets easier, but I'm thinking it might not....

Send some butterflies and cardinals our way this week to check in on us all.  I know we love seeing them.